Let’s get one thing straight: Health goth is not “real” goth. But neither is “real” goth real goth.

The popular notion of goth counterculture, which rose in the 1980s during the post-punk era, embraced edgy tastes and historical Gothic aesthetic references. Noted for dark clothes and heavy makeup, many goth communities formed around bands—like Siouxsie and the Banshees and The Cure—and injected modern taste with historical inspiration.

Suppose you could say “health goth” did the same, but mainly just for fashion. Traced back to the Facebook page of three Portland video artists, health goth is “visual porn for the kind of person that is really into sportswear but whose favourite colour is black,” who considers herself countercultural but likes technology and Equinox classes.

Health goth has little in common with post-punk goth culture, though, besides the cliché dark hues and occasionally daring hairstyles.

If it really wants to clinch the goth title, take a nod from 18th century athleisure.

You’re paying $85 for bike leggings when you could get 15 yards of poofy sleeves and a sick hat.

A picnic requires three things: a blanket, a bottle of rosé, and a cinched corset.

Pretty sure the rules of curling would be easier to understand in a bustled gown.

Local girl never requires sunscreen, lives in tights. It me.

With all their spandex, health goths would have no problem getting past 200 buttons and bows.

Ice skating: Lululemon’s next venture.

Adidas Shmadidas, go swimming in bonnets and kitten heels.

Archery improves one’s posture. Oh wait, that’s just the whalebone.